Taken from this list of douchebaggery.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
The modern man spends a lot of time in the returns line with the shoes he just bought. His wife now thinks he doesn’t like the way she looks in public.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
But somehow number 26 is still valid. Okay.
Is the modern man a closet alcoholic?
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
Shocked that the modern man would still go to such base entertainment as those containing a “ruckus.”
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
I have nothing to disagree with here. The fat is what makes a steak.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
If the kids’ device dies, it’ll be the only time and they’ll do it themselves. Just like touching a hot stove — you only do it once.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
Modernity belongs to yankees, it would seem.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
With all charity, this list can GTFO.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
…and with sons?
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
Grab a towel and get done quicker.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
You wrote a listicle, but somehow I’m supposed to respect your opinion on tweeting. Right.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
A real man just rinses that time.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Guilty. It usually comes on my rotation after Steely Dan.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
To each his own.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
If the shoes click while walking, then they are women’s shoes.
Based on my analysis, a lot of modern men out there are wearing women’s shoes.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Also: Marriage? This is a modern list. How positively medieval.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Pass, because I have no idea what a “melon baller” is. But I can already tell I don’t like it.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Any other guy would buy one and not feel like he has to make a social statement about it.
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
Again, shocked by the medieval captivity of marriage appearing here, but it is good advice.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
Who scolds someone for sneezing? I’m actually curious. I have a word for them, and it rhymes with “Smass-tole.”
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
But can he get back before his cigarette ashes?
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
I was never a boy scout, but not being prepared doesn’t seem manly in any generation.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
Better to have and not need than to need and not have. Would also greatly assist with the intruder scenario.
And, the only people who say this have never gone shooting.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
Try to square this with number 2 and 20.
Again, closet alcoholic? Bar stools stained with Scotch and tears?
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
A real man dances with his wife, not for others.