Trouble With the Curve

I’ve been going back through my heretofore unpublished notes, and I came across this one.  As a baseball fan, I couldn’t help but connect the dots on one of the all-time great baseball flicks.  The italicized portion is what has yet to be seen by human eyes other than mine.  Underneath the notes is my contemporary expansion on the talking points.

Dorn = Romney

Vaughn = Ron Paul

Team owner = Obama??

Jake’s bunt is a true, republican (little r) conservative revival.


Let’s extrapolate a bit on this.  For those unfamiliar with the classic, albeit R-rated baseball movie Major League, some character descriptions are needed.

Roger Dorn is by all accounts a seasoned veteran of the league.  He’s got years of experience and has seen enough of the game to know how to continue to get by.  There really isn’t too much original about him.  One thing is certain, though — Roger Dorn loves to make sure Roger Dorn doesn’t get injured or damaged in any way to prevent him from leaving his playing days behind him and moving into the glory’s of being in front of the camera as a sports caster.  Occasionally, this means letting a ball get out of the infield because he doesn’t want to risk injury by diving.

I pegged Dorn as Mitt Romney in last year’s election.  This seems a bit harsh given my above description, but follow me a bit further.  Romney wasn’t exactly breaking new ground politically, nor did he appear as the most valued player on the Republican ticket.  But like Roger Dorn he knew what to say and how to say it.  And just like Roger Dorn, Mitt put his spin on every talking point — and I didn’t buy a word of it.

Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, played by Charlie Sheen lives up to every aspect of his moniker.  He pitches how he likes his women: fast and wild.  Says what he feels is right and damn the rest!  It’s not hard to see why he became a fan favorite and cult hero.  Sound familiar?

It would be impossible for me to peg Vaughn as anyone but Ron Paul.  If Major League was real life, I could easily see “RICKY VAUGHN REVOLUTION” or “WILD THING 2012” spray painted on election signs across the land.  While Ron would have likely been the most fun person to see behind the mahogany on Pennsylvania Avenue, this is reality.  You know, with real people.  The libertarian ideology would work great if it didn’t have to apply to real life and could stay in a text book.

The team is owned by Rachel Phelps.  No relation to the Westboro Baptist Church.  She’s a tyrant with a pretty face.  What’s noticeable about her is that she isn’t breaking any existing rules, but she certainly knows how to use their wording to her advantage.

This one was like putting a ball on a tee in front of Miguel Cabrera.  Barack is a smooth talker promising a winning team to the fans, but has no intention of bringing the championship to them in the way they expect.  “May the best team win” is certainly the right way to play the game, but it does follow that there will be teams who are not the best.  Rather than encouraging the team (country) to develop its talented prospects, we are instead gifted with a collective bargaining agreement to restructure the league (nation) to make every team have an equal record, albeit mediocre.  The Padres will finally be running with the big boys.

But that was just the first part of the season, and now we’re past the All-Star Break.  Ending Bush-era surveillance policies that should have been thrown out at first?  They’ve now been expanded to leg out a double with the intention of rounding to third and monitoring the moves of the opposing fan base.  Mending the racial divide that sinfully still exists in the country?  For a second it looked like he might hit a home run, but the right-fielder caught it just before the warning track.  It is hard (impossible) to take the words of the president seriously on battling racially motivated crime — which is sinful and wrong through and through — when he would not condemn or even comment on the actions of a black doctor who was beheading black babies outside the womb.  On the contrary, he spoke at a pro-abortion conference just a few weeks after the trial.  Foreknown before the foundation of the world, these children were made in the imagio Dei, but would never have the chance to know in this world just how precious that makes them.

That brings me to our black swan, Jake Taylor.  Like Roger Dorn he is an oak tree with many rings before you get to the center.  But unlike Dorn, his career is considered all but over.  Jake Taylor is on the “wrong side of [baseball] history” in a game where the fundamentals are pushed aside to make room for power-sluggers and endorsement deals.  He plays with a heart and respect for the purity of the game that everyone else has either forgotten about or passed over as outdated or worse — irrelevant.  And would you look at that, he steps up to the plate with a bum knee and the winning run on third.  There is no one in the stands who expects this aging lion to do anything but look like a shell of his former glory.  But something happens which not a soul saw coming.  He calls his shot to the fences and then bunts.  Running like a man with nothing to lose to save that which he’s worked so hard to preserve, Jake beats the throw to first to allow the runner on third just enough time to beat the tag at home.  The pennant is won and the owner’s box is left to stamp their feet and cry “foul!”

The same thing will happen to our country.  The small r’d republican, conservative spirit that first yelled “balk!” at taxation without representation from a government so large it thought itself sovereign and too big to fail is waiting in the on-deck circle.  A victory will mean not just reform, but repealing of half-assed plays that never should have made it past Single A, let alone a congressional committee.  Yes, some teams will have to relocate to new markets or the league will need to contract the franchise, but only because they’ve been too reliant on the almighty Commish to keep the team jet fueled.  But a funny thing will happen: we’ll have a more competitive league than ever before and the most exciting teams to watch since 1776.

You see, as attractive and progressive as the new school players once were, they never could quite get over their trouble with the curve.


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